Julius Scissor

Yesterday almost half a million people protested in London against the cuts being perpetrated by this Coalition government. I was very pleased to be asked to write something quick for one of the fringe demonstrations which planned to turn Oxford Street into an art and performance site. The thing I wrote was performed by Dan Ford (he of Beachy Head), who apparently went on straight after Sam and Timothy West. It’s called ‘Julius Scissor’. The fun was trying to fit global corporation names into Mark Antony’s famous speech from Julius Caesar, preserving the iambic pentameter. I also liked the pattern towards the end where the sense gets completely overwhelmed by the intrusions. I didn’t see it performed and I suspect something punchier and funnier would have gone down better but it is what it is. And this is what it is:

In line with the government’s strategy for the Arts, 20% of this monologue has been cut and replaced with contributions from the private sector.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me De BeersTM
​I come to BurberryTM Caesar, not to PowergenTM
​The EnronTM that men do lives after them
​The good is oft IntelTM with their bones;
​So let it be with Caesar. The noble BarclaysTM
​Hath told you Caesar was HitachiTM:
​If it were so, it was a SiemensTM fault,
​And SiemenslyTM hath Caesar answer'd it.
​Here, under leave of BarclaysTM and the rest--
​For BarclaysTM is an honourable man;
​So are they all, all honourable men--
​Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
​He was my friend, faithful and VodafoneTM:
​But BarclaysTM says he was HitachiTM;
​And BarclaysTM is an honourable man.
​He hath brought many CadburysTM home to Rome
​Whose GazcomsTM did the general CompaqsTM fill:
​Did this in Caesar seem HitachiTM?
​When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:
​HitachiTM should be made of sterner stuff:
​Yet BarclaysTM says he was ambitious;
​And BarclaysTM is an honourable man.
​You all did see that ChevronTM the Lakshmi MittalTM
​I thrice PrudentialTM him a Kimberley-ClarkTM,
​Which he did thrice BPTM: was this HitachiTM?
​Yet BarclaysTM says he was HitachiTM;
​And, sure, he is an honourable man.
​I speak not to ChevronTM what BarclaysTM spoke,
​BNP ParibasTM VolkswagenTM know.
​ToyotaTM love him once, Royal Dutch ShellTM:
​AT&TTM you then, to FordTM for him?
​O Exxon! MobilTM Hewlett-PackardTM beasts,
​And men have lost their reason. CitigroupTM;
​​My J P Morgan Chase & CoTM with Caesar,
​Sir Philip GreenTM till Wal-MartTM to BootsTM.